365 Days

Last week was my anniversary. A year ago I walked into the ER with severe back pain and numbness. A short exam and MRI would discover something that required immediate hospitalization and spinal surgery the next day. That evening changed the trajectory of my story. In some ways it feels like the last 365 days have sped by. In other ways, it has been the longest year of my life.

I have been incredibly lucky in that I have experienced minimal discouragement on this journey. That’s not to say that I haven’t had my fair share of bad days, but God has so graciously protected me from the crippling, hopeless discouragement that can come from prolonged sickness and pain. People have told me that my attitude has been “so positive” through it all. I can assure you that it was not my positive attitude, but the incredible grace of God that has kept my spirits lifted and my faith anchored. A friend recently said that is a beautiful picture of what it means to “abide” in Christ….apart from Him we can do nothing of eternal value on our own.

That being said, I could feel discouragement trying to sneak in as I thought about the last year. Truth be told, I was hoping that my body would have seen some improvement by now. My MRIs show that the radiation did its job yet I continue to have many lingering side effects. Some are from radiation and some are from the spinal cord damage from cancer. Either way, my body still gives me trouble. I have lots of pain and still have decreased sensitivity and numbness in most of my body. It is the daily reminder of healing that has yet to come.

In those moments, I wonder if things will every change. I must admit it’s easier to listen to the voice that tells me that things will always be like this and that I should be angry and discouraged; that I should feel sorry for myself and give up hope. Instead I choose to take a deep breath and rise above the noise. I sense the Lord asking me to trust Him; to believe His truth over the swirling in my mind. When I reach out my hand in faith and choose Him, the questions and fears quiet. My heart begins to pump fresh hope and peace and I’m reminded that His beautiful grace is more than enough for whatever this life brings.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week; remembering moments from the last year. My memory has taken a strong hit from 5 weeks of radiation, so these snapshots are precious to me. Some of them are so sweet…moments with my boys. Some are miraculous…the impact my story has had on others. Some are heartbreaking…crying on my dad’s shoulder as I told him my diagnosis. Every memory I have, good or bad, has one common element. Each has a thread woven through it that connects it to the next. JESUS. He has been by my side in every situation, in every moment, in every breath of this last year. He has never left my side.

When I sift through all the joy and all the pain of this last season, I am left with a single, screaming response: GRATITUDE. I am alive. I am breathing. I am walking. I am healing. I am loved. I am blessed. I am redeemed. I am saved. My sweet Jesus has yet again kept His promises to me. The last 365 days have proven it over and over. He has never left me or forgotten me. He has not casually allowed cancer into my life or those I love. He is holy and beautiful and mighty and good. My words do not do Him justice. He is my Prince of Peace and has held my hand as I walked every step of this journey. I love Him. Whatever the next year holds, whether good or bad, I will worship. I will give thanks. I will be grateful. I will trust. I will surrender.

“The Lord has done great and mighty things for me, and I am filled with joy.” Psalm 126:3

Big Hugs,

Linsay